


An Island Stranded Cowboy's Robot Mercy Killing Business

by urgaylol



Series: CSCRMKB [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Humor, Multi, Political Commentary, Satire, Science Fiction, Violence, bad political commentary, dark/sensitive subjects, existential horror but only as comic relief, jokes about dark/sensitive subjects
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25871347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: The sequel to A City Stranded Cowboy's Robot Mercy Killing Business
Series: CSCRMKB [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877338
Comments: 11
Kudos: 7





	1. Simple Explanations

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is the second book in a series. The story will make more sense if the first book is read before the second.

Tex frowned into his tea cup, and not just because he'd burned his tongue.

It had been five months since Junji had left after trying and failing to start a one-world government. Tex knew that Junji was hiding out on some private island, but that was the only information Junji had given him before taking off. Tex hadn't gotten a single call or message with any sort of update.

He'd been starting to give up hope of ever seeing Junji again.

It was a sobering thought. Tex still hadn't been able to bring himself to find a replacement for Junji, and he'd just been having Sean, Luke, and Caverly take turns doing Junji's job. But Tex knew it couldn't last, as Caverly was quickly getting too pregnant to help and Luke seemed like he was starting to resent the extra work.

Tex's coworkers had hounded him about where Junji had gone after his leave, and Tex had been forced to lie to save Junji's face. It was annoying, but what was even more annoying was when they stopped asking.

Tex tried another sip of his tea. It wasn't too hot anymore, but it could use some milk.

With a sullen expression, Tex got up with a sigh and made his way over to his fridge. As much as it stung, he knew he needed to move on and accept the fact that he wouldn't be seeing Junji for a while.

Tex opened the door to his fridge. Junji tumbled out of the fridge and onto the floor.

"Dallas!" Junji greeted happily with his head on the floor and his legs on top of the vegetable drawer. "It's so good to see you."

Tex blinked twice at the sight before him. The scene stayed the same.

"Uh." Tex stated.

"Although I can't say I was expecting to find you here." Junji replied.

"Yeah, I can relate to the--feeling."

From his position on the floor, Junji darted his eyes back and forth to examine the insides of Tex's tiny kitchenette.

"We are in apartment five-hundred and twelve, correct?" asked Junji.

"Yes."

"Which is your apartment?"

It was subtle, but Tex could see that Junji's appearance had changed since the last time they'd met. Some of the hair behind his ears had turned grey, more than that should have at his age, and his eyes looked like they'd only just woken up from months of exhaustion.

It didn't _not_ suit him, although Tex had bigger things on his mind.

"Yeah." Tex replied.

"Oh, I understand what happened."

"Would you mind explaining?"

Junji opened his mouth only to burst into a happy fit of laughter. Tex used the time to lend Junji an arm and help him off the floor.

"I've just realized." Junji said as he got to his feet, still laughing to himself. "You must be so confused!"

"Ain't gonna deny that."

"Ying and I have spent the last several months trying to bend three dimensional space to link our laboratory and my old apartment together. I misremembered my own apartment number as yours, so I ended up here when trying to pass through the portal."

Junji's reply felt like it shouldn't make sense, but it did nonetheless.

"Could you, uh--could you fix it?" Tex asked.

"Unfortunately not. My lab and your fridge are permanently entangled."

Tex knelt down and examined the back of his fridge. It looked the same as it always did, flat and white.

When he stood back up, Tex let his eyes fall back on Junji's face.

"Sorry." said Tex. "Kinda at a loss for words."

"I understand. I wish I could have called ahead."

"Yeah, about that..."

"Hmm?"

Tex chewed on his lower lip and did his best not to look hurt.

"There a reason I've gone--five months without a word from you?" he asked.

Junji nodded.

"Considering the amount of political adversaries I had attempting to kill me, I thought it safest to destroy my phone and any other traceable devices." Junji answered.

"...That's a good point."

"But I wanted to see you. I spent every second I could working on this teleportation device, in the hopes I could come back."

The answer made sense. The anger Tex felt melted away fast enough to give himself emotional whiplash.

"You still worried about getting--assassinated?" he pushed.

"The few assassins that knew my true identity are either dead or now Buddhist, and no one has come in contact with me for months, so no. Although I still think it best to lay low."

"...Think you could come back to work?"

Junji shot Tex's fridge a look.

"I suppose it is not out of my way." Junji shrugged.

There was nothing Tex could do to stop the smile from spreading across his face. Junji looked pleased.

"So, uh." Tex stated. "You got an island?"

"Yes."

"Can I see it?"

"Of course. I--"

Junji cut himself off when a buzz and a short tone rang out. It took Tex a moment to realize they'd both come from his own phone.

"Might be Tala." Tex said as he pulled out his phone. "Mind if I check?"

"I do not."

Tex unlocked his phone to see the message had indeed been from Tala. More specifically, she'd messaged the entire extended work group.

** From Gamer Gril **  
something just opened up, local. is everybody free today?

**From Sean**  
whose turn is it

**From Caverly's Husband  
**I think it's mine

Tex smiled to himself as he wrote out his reply.

**To New Work Group**  
it's neither. I got a permanent replacement

**From Sean**  
oh thank god

**From Caverly's Husband**  
yeah it's been fun getting to watch Tex roll around on the floor in torment, but I've been wondering when I can start being a father to my unborn child

** From Gamer Gril **  
why would you need to father an unborn child

**From Sean  
**do yall think Freud was right when he said we all actually wanna go back to our mother's womb?

From Supreme Jackass  
no

** From Gamer Gril  
** no

**From Caverly's Husband**  
more like Sigmund Fraud 

** From Gamer Gril  
** Freud broke into my house last night, snorted a line of coke off my penis envy, and then started crying when someone on Reddit called him an incel

**From Supreme Jackass**  
who's the replacement

**To New Work Group**  
youll see

**To New Work Group**  
can we meet now?

The conversation wrapped up when both Barton and Tala agreed to meet right away. Tex grabbed his shoes and stepped into them.

"Are you going somewhere?" Junji wondered.

"Shit, forgot to ask. You good if we head out now?"

"Sure. I am looking forward to seeing the others."

Tex let Junji lead the way out of the complex. Junji chose the stairs over the elevator, just like he always did.

"So, uh, whatcha you been up to?" Tex asked once they'd gotten to the street.

"Building a teleporter."

Tex nodded to no one in particular as they walked down the left side of the sidewalk. He resisted the urge to jump over the leash of a tiny dog whose owner had allowed it to take up the span of the entire walkway.

"What about now that you're done with that?" Tex pushed.

"Finding a sustainable energy source for my teleporter."

As they walked to the end of the street, Tex noticed a car approaching them perpendicular from the left.

Tex frowned. The car was moving quickly enough that, theoretically, it would have already passed them by the time they got to the crosswalk. However, the driver was likely to stop for them, which would not only waste its own time but force the two of them to momentarily halt if it slowed down.

"This car is going to stop for us." Junji said with irritation.

"Yes."

"If it kept going at its current speed, it would simply pass us before we got there."

"Let's pretend we're turning."

Tex could already see the car slowing down, just the tiniest bit.

Tex nodded and turned left with Junji when they reached the end of the sidewalk.

"Come on, doggy..." Tex muttered to himself as he watched the car out of the corner of his eye.

Tex's chest swelled with pride when the car whizzed passed them instead of stopping. Immediately, he and Junji crossed the street and continued on their way.

"Nice." said Tex.

"Yes, that was a good idea."

Junji seemed quite proud.

Thanks to their continued efficiency, Tex and Junji managed to make it to the office about thirty whole seconds before anyone else did. Tex took a seat at the table while Junji made himself a coffee.

"Did you tell the others I was coming?" Junji asked.

"Uh..."

The door opened. Tex looked over just in time to see Tala roll into the room on heelys with seventeen copies of the Communist Manifesto balanced on her hand.

"You would not believe the day I had." she said, her eyes on her phone.

"It's eleven in the morning." Tex replied.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

Tala's eyes widened. When she turned her attention to Junji, several manifestos fell from her hand.

"Junji?" she asked in amazement.

"Yes." Junji stated.

"Where did you come from?"

"It's a long story. I--"

Junji was cut off when the door opened once again. Tex glanced over to see Barton with a small white slip in her hand.

"What the hell?" she greeted.

Junji waved. Barton narrowed her eyes.

"So how's that scurvy looking?" followed Barton.

"Hmm?" Junji asked as he took a seat at the table with his coffee.

"Tex said that you left because you got scurvy, but that you were embarrassed about it so we couldn't visit you in the hospital." Tala explained.

Junji looked over at Tex. Tex looked at his hands.

"Yes. I got scurvy." Junji stated. "I have recovered now."

Barton scoffed.

"In that case, I got something I wanna give you." she said.

"What?" Junji replied.

"It's in here somewhere..."

Barton fumbled through her pockets for a moment before smacking Junji upside the head.

"Oww!" Junji yelped.

"Junji, are you going to stick around this time?" asked Tala.

"Yes. I never wanted to leave."

Tala and Barton exchanged a look. Tala shrugged.

"Alright." Barton sighed as she took a seat at the table. "Obviously Junji's being a little bitch and doesn't wanna share, but we got more important things to deal with right now."

"And what important thing would that be?" Tex wondered.

Barton tossed the white slip she'd come in with on the table. Tex gave it a quick look to see it was from the landlord of the office building they were currently in.

"Rent increase?" Tala asked.

"Fifteen percent, yeah." Barton replied.

Tex frowned. Considering their rent had also been increased the year before, he knew he was going to have to accept that pinching pennies and scanning all the vegetables he bought as non-organic potatoes just wouldn't be enough anymore to keep things moving.

"Darn." said Tala, eyeing both Barton and Junji. "If only someone here had some money..."

"If it's gotten to the point when I'm offering to help you financially, I can assure you that you've got bigger problems to deal with than office space." Barton replied.

"We could relocate ourselves." Junji suggested.

Tex rubbed the back of his head and sighed.

"Let's figure it out later." he said. "I wanna get this done first."

"Yeah, that's fair." Tala replied.

"Did I miss anything other than a rent increase?" asked Junji.

"Not really." Barton answered. "We mercy killed some robots."

"Anything interesting?"

Barton began to count on her fingers.

"We found a guy who'd given consciousness to a bunch of Grand Theft Auto NPCs for the purpose of eternally drowning them in mayonnaise," she started, "and there was another guy who'd created a virtual clone of his ex-girlfriend and forced her to live in a garden where every flower bloomed in the shape of her dead son, then there was a lady who created a virtual clone of her husband and made his penis a millimeter smaller everyday--"

"Why do you remember this stuff?" Tex cut in.

"Somebody's gotta."

Tex rubbed his temples until the wince left his face.

"Can we just get to the job?" he asked.

"Sure, let me grab the Pain Finder Thing." Tala replied as she reached into her laptop bag.

The Pain Finder Thing was a GPS-like device that mapped out the physical locations of discomfort being experienced. Discomfort was represented on the map with pink dots, and the size and shade of the dots indicated the intensity of the pain.

It was an impressive and sophisticated piece of technology, far more advanced than anything Tex had ever seen before. Tala had found it in a dumpster behind McDonald's.

None of them were sure how the device worked. Junji and Tala had spent some amount of time theorizing that it somehow detected chemical compounds that represented distress, but Tex didn't have much drive to think about it too hard. He was happy enough simply having the device, and not just because he could use it to disprove his long held worry that plants felt pain when harvested.

"There's a big dot in Alaska that's been there for a while." Tala said, showing Tex the screen. "There's also this dot in California that’s been coming on the last few Tuesdays.”

There was indeed a large pink dot in Alaska, the biggest one Tex had seen in a while.

"Let's do the one in Alaska, then." he replied. "We'll figure out the one in California later."

"No land disconnect, that's good." said Barton. "We can get there by train."

As she spoke, Barton got up from the table and pushed in her chair. Tala did the same.

"Are we departing?" Junji asked.

"I don't see why not." Tala replied.

Tex nodded in agreement, always happy to get things done sooner rather than later.

Above ground trains had been the fastest way to travel ever since 2050. Buses and cars, however, hadn't been updated, and Tex usually found it frustrating that it took a whole half hour to drive the eight miles downtown. And Barton didn't make it any better, considering she made them all chip in for gas and parking. Still, Junji's arrival had left Tex in such a good mood that he didn't even put up a fuss when a pug in a service dog jacket peed on his shoes while they waited for their train.

The train to Alaska ended up being pretty empty. Tex would’ve liked to have planned more for the job they'd set out to do, but he chose to honor their agreement never to discuss work in a public place and instead just let Barton monologue.

"...mad at me, just cause I called the cops on them for making noise after eight pm." Barton finished. "What gives?"

"Everybody knows who you're talking about when you say 'urban people', case you were wondering." Tex replied.

"Barton, stop saying bad stuff about black people." said Tala. "It's weird, it's like self hate."

"It's not self hate." Barton scoffed. "I hate everyone the same amount."

Tala shuddered.

"Oh man, I've never heard anyone say that before." she said.

"Fine, I'll make fun of white people." Barton replied. "Look at me, I like to kiss my dog on the mouth and kiss my kids on the mouth and get triggered."

Tex broke into a laugh along with Tala. Junji didn't join them, but Tex wasn't sure if it was because he hadn't gotten the joke or because he was too busy looking at his train ticket.

"Have our tickets always been a hundred and fifty dollars?" Junji asked. "I thought they were only a hundred."

"The value of the dollar dropped like, ten percent more than usual this year." Tala replied.

Junji pouted and looked down at the table.

"I wonder how responsible I am for that..." he trailed off.

The ride only ended up being about ten minutes in total. Still, Tex managed to get pent up. He was so ready to leave by the time the train rolled into the station that he unintentionally bumped his hip against the exit door, shifting the gun hidden in his pants pocket ever-so-slightly into his testicles.

 _'ase;rdl;alksdfn;ldfgl_.' said Tex's brain.

"We'll have to take a Zipcar to the house." Tala stated.

"Do they got anything with four wheel drive?" asked Barton.

Tex took out his phone so he could help find a good car on the app. Since they were by the train station, it would likely be easy to find one.

"Woah." Tala said as they left the building. "That's a lot of ice."

There was indeed a lot of ice. The outside was grey, cold, and devoid of human intervention. The only person outside the train station was an old fisherman with a worn face and a scraggly beard.

"Ahga--graga--ahh." he grumbled as he limped past them.

"He seemed nice." Tex said absentmindedly, having found the encounter still more pleasant than most of his run-ins with strangers.

Tex ended up regretting being the one to book the car as the others left him with the task of driving. Although all things considered, the scenery and lack of other cars kept Tex from complaining too loudly.

"Are we going to fish him out of his home?" Junji asked as they left the main road.

"It's ten miles to the next house over, so..." Tala trailed off.

"Let's just barge in." said Barton. "What's he gonna do, shoot all four of us before we can shoot him?"

The area was rural, to say the least. Tex couldn't see anyone in any direction for miles as he turned into the long rocky driveway of their target's house.

"Do you know anything about this guy, Tala?" Tex wondered.

"His name's Jeremy." Tala replied. "He has brown hair."

"Woah, slow down."

The house quickly came into view between the trees. It was made completely out of wooden planks that had been left stylishly unpainted. The whole thing gave the appearance of a well-kept farm house, except the land around it was only home to birch trees and snow.

The sight made Tex wistful, somehow.

There was a car parked in front of the house, although it didn't look like it got out much. Tex wasn't sure if anyone was home. He parked their car a dozen yards down the road, not wanting to alert anyone who might have been in the house prematurely.

Tex turned off the car and opened the door.

"Ah, man, smell that air." he said in wonder.

"It smells like dead skunk." Tala replied.

Barton was the first to reach the front door of the house. She twisted the doorknob to find it was unlocked.

After exchanging an uncertain glance with Junji, Tex stepped inside with Barton and took a look around. He saw no signs of movement, and when he turned his focus to his ears, he found there was nothing to hear but the wind.

"I, uh, guess no one's home?" Tex muttered as he let everyone else in.

The inside was unkempt, but Tex had seen messier. There was a dirty plate of beans on the table that looked like it couldn't have been more than a couple of days old. And some of the lights were on, which led Tex to guess that their target had left for work.

"Found a cord." said Tala.

Tex looked where Tala was pointing to see a black cable snaking across the ground and around the corner. With Tala at his side, Tex followed the cord until they came to a small room without a door.

The cord they'd been following was plugged into an oversized power strip. Most of the other outlets were occupied by other dark cords, the vast majority of which were headed towards a large desktop computer in the corner.

The computer had three monitors and several brightly colored fans. Tex wiggled the mouse to bring up a password request.

"Junji, you wanna get over here?" asked Tex.

As Junji came into the room, Tex pulled out his gun and made sure everything was in order. Tala grabbed her laptop and hooked it to Jeremy's computer with an Ethernet cable.

"I'm gonna roam." Barton said from the hall.

"Don't kill anyone who isn't named Jeremy." Tex replied.

"No promises."

While Tex put his gun back in his pocket, Junji glanced at the computer monitors.

"The computer is locked." Junji observed.

"Hang on, I'll grab the adapter." Tala replied as she reached back into her bag.

The adapter was a strange piece of equipment that allowed any machine to view the inner workings of another machine, even without a monitor. Because the adapter classified humans as machines, they'd been able to use it for all sorts of things, like examining the internal logic of a T1-84 calculator or having a T1-84 calculator examine them.

Tala had found it in a dumpster behind the same McDonald's.

"You two ready?" she asked.

There were three cords attached to the adapter, one green and two blue. As she spoke, Tala fixed the green cord to Jeremy's computer.

"Sure." Tex lied.

Tex was handed a blue cord. He hadn't learned anything about their target yet from the house, so he had no idea what he was in for.

"It is good to be back." Junji said as he attached the suction cup on the end of the cord to his forehead.

"One way to put it." Tex replied.

Tex stuck his own cord to his forehead. Immediately, the visual reality of the room left his eyes and was replaced by the familiar inside of a strange, old fashioned train car.

The train car itself wasn't physical, or at least not in any sense of the word Tex could understand. The main purpose it served was the window, which just functioned as a simple monitor.

Junji was the only other person Tex could see in the train, as he was the only other one hooked up.

"After you." Tex muttered to Junji.

Junji put his hand on the window. When Tex placed his own fingers next to Junji's, the window sprung to life with the image of Jeremy's desktop background.

The experience was as absurd as always. It might as well have been magic to Tex.

"What's the program called?" Tala asked.

With his free hand, Tex tapped on the screen to open the task manager. He scanned the top of the list to see a program burning more CPU than everything else combined.

"Think it's this one called spankbank.exe." answered Tex.

Tala frantically began to clack at her keyboard.

"Ok, I found it on my laptop." she said. "I can start editing it whenever."

"Shall we open it?" Junji wondered.

Tex frowned.

"Sooner the better." he heard himself reply.

Junji maximized the program from the system tray. Tex took a deep breath.

The train car window sprung to life with the image of a completely flat surface, without any fancy three-dimensional graphics. The only thing Tex could see on the surface was what seemed to be an absolutely massive motherboard, in that flat wires were stretched across the plain in neat but unpredictable patterns. The closer the wires got to the center, the more concentrated they became.

The surface that the wires were on was flickering between bright red and black in ten second intervals. Each time it turned red, Tex felt a wave of agony radiate from the wires.

"What does it look like?" Tala asked.

"Like a two dimensional mass of interconnecting wires." Junji answered.

"It's in _pain._ " said Tex.

"Dallas has empathized with the two dimensional mass of interconnecting wires."

The black surface under the wires turned red again. Tex yelped in alarm.

"The--entity is quite large." Junji noted. "If I had to guess, I'd say it's nothing but a consciousness with a massive amount of pain receptors."

While Tex resisted the urge to vomit, the surface under the wires continued to flicker between black and red. He could tell the pain was subsiding for the wires every time the background turned black, but it somehow made the times when it was red feel worse.

"Intervals..." Tex managed.

"It's being tormented in intervals, to keep it from getting used to the pain." Junji said.

"Sounds a little abstract." Tala replied.

"Yes. It seems Jeremy created this being in an attempt to maximize the amount of torture something could experience."

Junji’s tone was overflowing with what sounded like suppressed excitement. Tex's eyebrow twitched.

"I don't like the way you--said that." Tex managed.

"I am not advocating for anyone to create a lifeform for the sole purpose of tormenting it." Junji scoffed. "I'm simply saying that if I did support creating lifeforms for the purpose of tormenting them, I would find this work inspirational."

There was a faint sound of a mouse wheel buzzing as Tala began to scroll. Tex fell to his knees and only kept his hand touching the window when Junji forced him to.

"There's a bunch of negative signs in the code." said Tala. "Like just the dash that means minus."

"Yes, that would make sense." Junji replied.

Tala clicked a few buttons.

"And...enter." she muttered.

Immediately, the background behind the wires stopped pulsating between black and red and began pulsating between black and green. Tex's eyes widened in surprise. Each time the board turned green, he was hit by a new burst of pleasure.

"Whoa!" he called as he jumped to his feet. "What'd you do?"

"I just ran a 'find and replace' to change every minus sign to a plus." Tala explained.

Tex was barely able to process what Tala had said over the intense relief he felt. Although he knew the two dimensional mass of interconnecting wires couldn't talk, Tex was pretty sure he felt a wave of appreciation come through from it into the train car.

'No problem.' Tex thought at it.

Since the first part of the job was finished, Tex and Junji both took off their suction cups. Tala unhooked the adapter and her laptop from Jeremy's computer.

"Ah, to be a collection of nerve endings only capable of feeling maximized amounts of euphoria." Junji mused. "I can't say I don't envy it."

"Good job, Tex." said Tala. "You didn't even freak out that much this time."

"Are you done?" Barton asked from the hall.

"Yes." Junji replied.

Tex felt himself frown.

"Wait." he said. "What if it gets sick of living?"

"Hmm?" Tala hummed.

"What if it wants to die someday? We didn't give it mortality."

Tala shrugged.

"It's not like the computer is going to run forever." she replied.

Tex supposed Tala had a point. Barton entered the room with a blank expression.

"Did you see anyone?" Tex asked her.

"No." Barton answered. "We're gonna have to wait until Jeremy comes back to kill him."

Tala's eyebrows scrunched together into an indescribable expression.

"Uh, about that?" she said.

"Hmm?" Tex replied.

"This case was super abstract. I feel like maybe it was just a science project or something and he doesn't actually know he's created life."

Barton pursed her lips.

"Does it matter if it was intentional or not?" asked Junji.

"What do you mean?" Tex replied.

"He means that if somebody's stupid enough to create life without realizing it, maybe we're better off without letting them blow their loads of idiot in our daughters." Barton explained.

Tex waved the thought away and scoffed.

"That's awful." he said. "We should question him."

"Yeah, but how are we supposed to do that?" Tala wondered. "Do we just tie him down and ask 'hey, did you know the robot you created is alive and being tormented?"

"No, that would be ridiculous." Junji replied as he began to pace. "Tala will spend the next three weeks seducing him, and then when he's most vulnerable she'll casually bring up her passion for creating life forms for the purpose of torturing them."

Tex frowned.

"Seems like a lot of work." he stated.

"Yeah." said Barton. "Which is why we're just going to kill the guy and get--"

It was at that moment that a door slammed somewhere in the house.

Tex exchanged a frantic glance with his coworkers. After a moment of uncertainty, the four of them all turned away from the computer.

The sound of footsteps ascending a staircase was heard. Tex wasn't certain if the occupant had heard them until the footsteps began to get gradually louder.

"Uh oh, spaghettio!" Tala whispered while Tex readied his gun.

Cautiously, a figure stepped into view.

It was a Caucasian man in his mid or late thirties with brown hair and an old sweater that had the name 'Jeremy' embroidered into it. In his shaking hands, he held a hunting rifle.

"Woah, guys, do you think that's him?" Barton asked helpfully.

"What--what did you do?" the man stammered in a sharp whisper.

"We shut down your program." Tala replied.

"You mean the program I created for the purpose of torturing?"

Tex pulled the trigger twice with his sights set between Jeremy's eyes. Both shots ended up landing a little lower than he would have liked, but they were still fatal enough.

Jeremy's body crumpled to the ground. A loud bang told Tex he'd apparently managed to hit the trigger on his rifle, but the shot sank safely into the ceiling.

"I always hate when you kill the guy." Barton said once Tex could hear again. "I didn't get to do anything."

"That ain't true." Tex replied. "You got to not find him when you searched the house."

"He was prolly in the basement. I didn't check it."

Tex didn't respond, opting instead to examine the dead man bleeding out on the floor.

"What should we do with the body?" asked Tex.

"I'll just--chuck him outside." Barton answered, grunting for a moment as she tossed the dead body over her shoulder.

Barton carried Jeremy into the kitchen where she dumped him out of the second story window. His body fell neatly into a pouf of snow next to what appeared to be a compost patch.

"We totally missed an opportunity to make a snow angel with his body." Tala pouted.

"No, the compost is good." Junji replied. "His body will return to the earth.”

Tala, Barton, and Junji all walked happily away from the window, reminding Tex that he was the only one of them who wasn't a complete sociopath.

"Woah, check this out." said Barton.

Tex looked over to see that Barton was pointing to a bookshelf. He followed her finger to see a small metal safe with a combination lock, half hidden by books.

"Maybe there's money in it." Tala noted. "We could use it."

"Too bad we're never gonna get it open." Barton replied.

"Too bad, yeah." Tex agreed as he picked up the safe and put it under his arm. "Guess we'll have to leave it."

Since Jeremy's body had been disposed of and they'd dealt with the tortured program, there wasn't much left to do. Junji did a quick search for any evidence they might have left from their crime, but it wasn't like the cops were going to find the scene anytime soon.

"Nice place." Tex said as they left, admiring the cool, fresh air on his face.

"Mhm." Barton replied.

"And it's empty, now. Maybe we could move up here."

"You'd rather live in the middle of Alaska than the city?"

"...Would y'all not?"

Tala and Barton both gave Tex looks of confusion.

"Junji, just think about it." Tex pushed. "All the fish you want."

"It is not me you have to convince." Junji replied.

Tex took another look at Tala and Barton, but they both waved it away. Tex wasn't surprised, considering he'd never been able to persuade them to move to anywhere else before.

They made it back to the train station without incident. Tex felt a little awkward hiding a seven cubic inch metal square in his bag, but he'd gotten weirder things through in the past.

"Guess this is where we part ways." Barton stated once the train had come to a halt.

"You gonna give us a ride back?" Tex wondered.

"Nah."

"We should meet tomorrow." said Tala. "To discuss the dot in California."

Along with Barton and Junji, Tex mumbled in agreement. Tex joined Tala and Junji as they took off for the bus stop.

"What happened to my old apartment?" Junji asked.

"Think Bianca leased it out." Tex answered. "You could probably get a new one, if you asked real nice."

"It is not necessary. I'm just glad I didn't teleport into it successfully."

Tala broke away from them after the bus, saying that she was too tired to jog. Tex was a little confused why Junji followed him all the way to his room before he remembered that Junji's home was located through his fridge.

"So, uh, see you around?" Tex managed.

"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow." Junji replied. "Did you still want to see my island?"

"I'm a little burnt."

"I understand."

As he spoke, Junji reached for a loose sheet of paper on Tex's desk and tore off a tiny piece.

“May I have your phone number?” asked Junji. “That way I can contact you when I buy a burner phone.”

“Sure.”

Once Tex had finished giving Junji his phone number, the two of them made their way to the kitchenette to say their goodbyes.

Tex opened the door of his fridge for Junji. After giving a tiny bow, Junji rolled his neck and dove straight through the center of the fridge to disappear completely from sight.

Tex shook his head in amazement.

The last thing Tex did that day was open the safe. After realizing his apartment was too small, he ended up walking the safe to an empty parking lot and taking to it with a crowbar.

It was a small safe, and clearly cheaply made. Still, Tex felt a rush of excitement when he finally managed to crack it open.

Inside the broken remains of the safe was an envelope, yellowed with age. It most likely contained money or savings bonds. Tex's expectations were wide as he read the text on the envelope, as the insides would likely be worth more considering its age.

_To my great great great grandchildren, I leave my life savings for if you ever find yourselves in need. In my time, the contents were enough to buy several horses. I can only imagine how much it will be worth in yours._

_\--Theodore Makinly, 1912._

Inside the envelope was sixty one dollars.

Tex sighed and slipped the money into his pocket. He supposed his financial problems were there to stay.


	2. Union Label

Tex was third in line from placing his teriyaki order when his heart jumped out of his chest and kicked him in the ribs.

She was a woman about his age, with curly brown hair and a teal shirtdress that drew a perfect hourglass around her body. Tex did his best not to stare as she left the bathroom and began to walk in his direction, but his mind was already racing.

Her eyes narrowed in on him. Tex only realized the moment before she'd opened her mouth that she was about to speak.

"Are you in line?" she asked.

Tex blinked.

"Nyes." he replied.

"Yes?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

The woman said nothing and stepped behind Tex. Tex didn't dare turn around.

He took a seat at a small table near the front counter once he’d placed his order. While the woman behind him stepped up to the counter, he darted his eyes over to quickly check for a ring on her left hand to see nothing but skin.

Tex's heart pounded as he waited for his food. About seven minutes passed without anything happening, but it might as well have been an hour.

"Beatrice?" the man behind the counter called.

The woman Tex had been eyeing stepped forward to get her food. Tex was mildly surprised they had finished her order first, but it wasn't really where his mind was.

Beatrice left the restaurant after receiving her food. Tex felt a wave of disappointment, at least until he looked through the window and saw her sit down on the steps outside next to an adorable little girl who she handed one of the food boxes to.

It was at that moment Tex fell in love like he'd never been in love before.

Tex wandered outside in a daze after getting his teriyaki. Beatrice was still on the steps, eating with the girl Tex presumed to be hers. Tex knew that he would hate himself for the rest of his life if he didn't say anything to her. Perhaps he could gift her something. He quickly scanned the area to see if there were any bears he could fight for their meat and fur, but found none.

Swallowing hard, Tex realized he was just going to have to talk to her.

As his feet brought him over to her, he did his best to think of an opening line. He wondered what kind of books she read, and what movies she watched. He wondered what factors she felt contributed to their failing economy. He wondered what kind of men she was into, and hoped he wasn't off.

She looked over as he walked up.

"...Hwkhsfsdfnm." Tex managed.

"Oh, hello." Beatrice greeted.

After waiting a moment too long, Tex reached into his takeout bag and grabbed something at random.

"You, uh, forgot this." he said as he held out a napkin.

Beatrice looked confused but accepted the napkin anyway.

"Thanks." she replied. "Are you alright?"

"Huh?" Tex wondered.

"You look a little winded."

"A little, sorry."

"I'm a little winded too, tell you the truth."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I've been cooped up all week. I'm really hoping tonight pays off."

Tex wasn't sure what was happening, but it was incredible, whatever it was.

"There's a great club on Alaska Avenue, a couple blocks down." Beatrice followed. "You can get a double Redbull vodka for ten dollars, and they always keep the music up."

Tex looked over when Beatrice's daughter began to pull at her sleeve.

"Mommy, is ten dollars a lot?" the little girl asked.

"It doesn't matter to you yet, don't worry about it." Beatrice firmly replied.

"Uh." said Tex.

Beatrice took a step closer to Tex.

"I don't know if you're into raving," Beatrice continued, her voice lowered, "but there's also a club that rents out its space for parties if you want to experience real happiness."

"Mommy, what's real happiness?" the little girl asked.

Irritation passed over Beatrice's face, although she didn't let her daughter see.

"I don't know." Beatrice answered.

"What's fake happiness?" her daughter pushed.

Beatrice sighed.

"That question doesn't mean anything." she replied.

The little girl frowned. Her eyes drifted towards Beatrice's purse.

"Can I use the glasses?" she asked.

"Uh, sure." answered Beatrice.

Beatrice reached into her purse and pulled out a pair of what seemed to be clear-rimmed glasses. She handed them to her daughter.

"Thank you." the girl said.

The little girl returned to the steps after putting the glasses on. Beatrice zipped her purse back up, and Tex caught eye of a tattoo on her arm that he hadn't noticed before.

Although he couldn't see all of it, it seemed to be of a poorly drawn clown.

"Oh, yeah, I'm a tattoo artist." Beatrice noted once she noticed Tex was staring.

"That's--neat." Tex replied.

"Did you want to see the whole thing?"

"Sure."

Beatrice pulled up her sleeve, revealing an unfinished clown tattoo that seemed to be partially cut off by a completely different tattoo.

"Yeah, I did it myself when I was drunk." she explained. "I might've finished it later if I didn't already have the other one there."

"Oh my god." Tex muttered.

"Say, do you want to make some money?"

Tex chewed on the inside of his cheek. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Beatrice's daughter on the steps with the glasses on her face, staring blankly into the distance.

"Uh." he managed.

"Talking about clubbing's made me realize how much I could use a drink." Beatrice continued. "How would you feel about baby-sitting for a few hours?"

Tex took another look at Beatrice's daughter.

"She's pretty easy." followed Beatrice.

"Sure." Tex replied.

A wave of relief passed over Beatrice's face.

"Thank you!" she said before turning to her daughter. "Hey, Cindy, you're going to be with this gentleman for a while."

The little girl on the steps stood up and walked over to Tex. Tex looked at the lenses of her glasses to try and figure out what she was doing with them, but he couldn't see anything.

"I'll, um, take care of her." Tex stammered.

"Thanks again." Beatrice said. "And by the way, if you're really hurting for cash, you could join this company I've been working with. You get to work for yourself, it's really cool."

"Uh, what's it do?"

"It's a vegan supplement company. All you have to do is buy a couple hundred dollars worth of supplements from me, and then you get to sell it to other people for more than you bought it for."

Tex was handed a card.

"Jesus Christ." he muttered as he pocketed it.

"Just bring her home in two hours." Beatrice continued. "She knows the address, and I'll give you money when you get there."

Tex looked down at Cindy to see she was eyeing him with uncertainty.

"Alright." he replied.

"Cool! I'll see you soon."

Beatrice turned and made a beeline for the junction without saying goodbye. Tex spent about half a minute watching her body get smaller and smaller, wondering what he'd gotten himself into.

"Uh. Hello." Tex greeted when he noticed Cindy was still staring at him.

"Hi." Cindy replied. "What's real happiness?"

Tex paused for a moment, having no intention of giving a bad answer.

"Depends on who you ask." he explained. "It's more of a concept, really."

"What's a concept?"

"It's like an--idea. It's something that you make in your head."

Cindy looked down at the pavement for a moment, seemingly in deep consideration.

"What's fake happiness?" she wondered.

"Again, it's more of a concept, and it's different for different people. There's a lotta things that folks think will make them happy, but the happiness goes away real fast."

"Like what?"

"Buying too much stuff you don't need, marrying somebody for looks, getting people who don't matter to like you..."

Cindy turned her face so her eyes were boring into Tex's. Tex found himself slightly intimidated.

"Have you ever married someone for looks?" asked Cindy.

"Not alone, no."

"Can you get married more than once?"

"Yes."

"Is it better the second time?"

Tex blinked twice before answering.

"I don't know." he replied.

Cindy's tiny face scrunched with confusion.

"No grown up has ever told me they didn't know before." she said.

"Oh."

"Are you an idiot?"

"I don't know."

Cindy put both her hands on her face and shook her head like she was trying to erase and Etch A Sketch. Tex did his best not to laugh.

"Do you know what clouds are made of?" Cindy asked.

"They're made of water."

"What's water made of?"

"Uh, carbon and oxygen."

"What's carbon made of?"

Tex squared his jaw to remember he'd spent most of his chemistry class working with the jocks to frame their tenured teacher for arson after the school had failed to fire him for getting drunk on mouthwash everyday and teaching 'hands on' sex ed. For a moment, he thought about simply Googling the question, but then a better idea popped into his head.

"I can't answer that." Tex admitted. "But I know somebody who can."

"Who? Who?"

Tex fished for his phone. Cindy pulled on his shirt and continued to request more information as he drafted a text to Junji.

 **To Spoodge King 2.0**  
you wanna help me with something

** From Spoodge King 2.0  
** I could.

** To Spoodge King 2.0   
** where are you?

** From Spoodge King 2.0  
** I am at the meeting with Barton and Tala.

Tex mentally kicked himself to recall the meeting they'd planned in Tala's room. Only then did he remember that he'd originally just left his apartment for dinner and had made plans to come right back.

** To Spoodge King 2.0  
** shit, sorry. why did no one message me about being late?

** From Spoodge King 2.0  
** Truthfully, we didn't discuss much.

** From Spoodge King 2.0  
**Come meet us in Tala's apartment.

****

"Who is it?" Cindy asked once Tex had put his phone away.

****

"You wanna meet my coworkers?"

****

"...Will they pay attention to me?"

****

"Sure."

****

Cindy's eyes widened with interest. Tex felt a note of relief when she began to nod her head yes.

****

Tala lived in the same building Tex did. Since they were only across the street from his apartment complex, the walk over wasn't long at all.

****

"This is where I live." Tex explained.

****

"Why is it so big?"

****

"A lotta folks live here."

****

"Do you have to share a bathroom with all of them?"

****

"Nah, we live separate."

****

Tex buzzed the two of them into his building. He let Cindy push the elevator button when she asked to.

****

"Who are your coworkers?" asked Cindy.

****

Tex frowned as he tried to figure out who to describe first.

****

"There's Tala, she likes computers." he answered. "I met her when I moved here. Then there's Barton, and I met her back in Civil War II--"

****

"You were in the war?"

****

Tex bit lightly into the inside of his cheek.

****

"Yeah." he replied.

****

"What side?"

****

"...The side that lost."

****

Cindy's eyes grew wide with alarm.

****

"You helped the Anteteracy?" she asked.

****

"That I did." answered Tex.

****

"Mom says that people who supported the Anterteracy hate America because they wanted half of it to float away into the ocean."

****

"Ain't surprising."

****

"Do you hate America?"

****

"Nah, I just reckoned every state oughta secede."

****

Cindy's mouth opened with a tiny pop of surprise.

****

"Woah! Like break away?"

****

"I--guess."

****

"How would we cut the ground?"

****

Tex grinned.

****

"We could all stand on the border," he started, "and then put some stakes in the dirt and just jump on them--"

****

Cindy cut Tex off with a burst of shrill laughter.

****

"No!" she yelped.

****

"--and we'd keep jumping until the land broke into fifty pieces--"

****

"No! It wouldn't float!"

****

Cindy was still bent over halfway in hysterics by the time the elevator arrived at Tala's floor. Tex felt himself smiling hard.

****

"Did you fight in the other war?" Cindy asked as they made their way into the hall.

****

"Civil War I? Nah, I wasn't born."

****

"What side would you have fought for?"

****

"I don't know enough about that war to have an opinion on it, and from the way people act when you bring it up, I don't really want to."

****

Cindy didn't reply right away, although she didn't seem too offended. Tex reached for Tala's doorknob.

****

"What's the opposite of a war?" Cindy wondered.

****

"...I'll get back to you on that."

****

Because Tala's apartment had the same layout of his own, Tex was easily able to lock the door behind him and show Cindy where the bathroom was. He could hear Barton, Tala, and Junji chatting in Tala's tiny living room.

****

"Hello!" Cindy announced once they'd come down the hall.

****

Barton and Junji were sitting on Tala's couch, and Tala was standing next to her coffee table. Tala and Junji both looked over in confusion, and Barton gave a skeptical glance over the top of the paper she was reading.

****

Tex waved hello.

****

"Wow I can't believe Tex finally stole a child." Tala greeted.

****

"I'm babysitting." Tex replied.

****

"Who is that?"

****

"I'm Cindy." said Cindy.

****

Barton pursed her lips and turned the page of her paper.

****

"What did I miss?" Tex asked.

****

"We're going to California next Tuesday for a job." Junji answered.

****

Tex nodded thankfully. California wouldn't be too hard to get to.

****

"Only problem is, we don't know where to meet up beforehand." Tala added.

****

Barton cleared her throat.

****

"We can meet here, I guess." Tex replied. "Though it's a little small."

****

"We can go to my island." Junji offered.

****

Barton cleared her throat.

****

"You have an island?" asked Tala.

****

"Yes, right through Dallas' fridge." Junji answered.

****

Barton cleared her throat. It was only at that moment that Tex finally looked over.

****

"Say." Barton stated, turning the page of her paper. "Would anybody happen to know an eight letter word for the best world leader to've ever lived?"

****

Tex squinted his eyes in confusion.

****

"Starts with a 'K'." followed Barton. "Cindy?"

****

"Barton, what are you doing?" Tex replied.

****

Barton scoffed and tossed her paper down on the table.

****

"You guys are all talking about our plans in front of this girl we've never met." she explained. "She could be a North Korean spy, for all I know."

****

"Why would the Korean government care about us?" Tala asked.

****

Barton sighed and picked her paper back up.

****

"North Korean's have been tracking me down ever since I got a drone picture of Kim Jong Un's asshole." she answered.

****

"Barton, she's a little girl." Tex replied.

****

"So what? She could be bugged and not know it. What about those glasses she's wearing?"

****

Tex looked over at Cindy to remember she still had on the glasses Beatrice had given her. Cindy took the glasses off her face and handed them to Tex when she noticed he was staring.

****

"I'm not a spy." said Cindy.

****

"Those are just second generation Google Glasses." Tala explained. "It's pretty rare to see someone using them, honestly."

****

Tex frowned and put the glasses on over his own.

****

His eyes were greeted with a menu laid out in an absolutely atrocious panel interface. A Windows icon was in the lower left-hand corner. There were options for Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube, but all of them were followed by the word _Kids_.

****

The menu was semi-transparent so Tex could still see his surroundings.

****

"They're not super complicated." Tala continued. "Mainly you can watch stuff while you walk around or play iPhone games."

****

Tex looked at the YouTube Kids option. After he held his focus for a few seconds, the YouTube icon grew to fill the whole screen. Immediately, a video began to play of an adult male with the voice of a punchable cartoon character putting several pounds of brightly colored slime into a blender and screaming as it spun.

****

Tex exited the video in fear. He clicked on a few recommended videos, but the only others he could find were of grown-ass adults unboxing toys, grown-ass adults utilizing child labor for family skits, and grown-ass adults preforming foot surgery on pregnant Elsa.

****

"Government's trying to make kids stupid." Tex stated. "I'm convinced."

****

"YouTube is a private company." Tala replied.

****

Tex scratched his chin.

****

"A private company being regulated by the government..." he trailed off.

****

As he spoke, Tex tried to see if he could replace YouTube kids with normal YouTube but found that a parental lock kept him from doing so.

****

"Barton, back me up here." Tala ordered.

****

"The government couldn't make kids dumb if they tried." Barton said from behind her paper. "Kids are already dumb, that's why we just show them a bunch of colors and sounds until they're smart enough to understand mortgage and then they can watch Law and Order."

****

"Barton." Tex snapped, turning to look her in the eyes. "That is the stupidest..."

****

Tala looked over in confusion when Tex trailed off.

****

"Stupidest what?" she asked.

****

Tex blinked at the sight of Barton's face from under the glasses.

****

Something was off. At first he'd just thought it was the transparent video still playing over her face. But after a moment, he realized that he was looking at a Barton that was the closest to physically attractive as he'd ever seen her.

****

Tex took the glasses off. Barton went back to looking like she always did.

****

Shaken, Tex put the glasses back on. He looked at Tala and Junji to see their skin was smoother and their faces both looked more symmetrical.

****

_"Euuuugh_..." Tex muttered.

****

"You good?" Barton wondered.

****

"It's doing something to your faces."

****

Tala pulled the glasses off of Tex's face and put them on her own.

****

"They have a beauty filter." Tala explained.

****

Junji took the glasses from Tala and tried them on next with a blank expression.

****

"How often do you use them?" Tex asked Cindy.

****

"Most of the day." she answered. "Even when I'm not allowed to watch videos I can still wear them because they tell me where I am."

****

Tex bit his lip.

****

"Do you notice the--filter?" he pushed.

****

"Yeah, it makes me look prettier." Cindy replied. "And it makes other people look less ugly."

****

"I don't think you should wear that thing."

****

"I like it. I like to watch YouTube."

****

After a moment of consideration, Tex pulled Tala over to the couch so they could talk under their voices.

****

"She just wants to watch TV." Tex said while Cindy made friends with Tala's printer. "Let's turn the filter off."

****

Tala took the glasses from Junji and put them back on her face.

****

"You can't." Tala replied. "It's not an available setting."

****

Tex winced and began to chew on his inner cheek once again, briefly wondering how many pounds of the inside of his own mouth he'd eaten throughout the years.

****

"Why the hell not?" asked Tex.

****

"Technically it is," Tala answered, "it's just that the interface is so compressed that the slider for the setting is being covered by an ad space for a Netflix original series."

****

"You know what? I said back in 2040 that we were all gonna be living in VR."

****

"It's true." Barton nodded. "He did say that."

****

Tala cleared her throat.

****

"Ok, first of all, this isn't virtual reality." she said. "It's augmented reality."

****

"Wait, what's virtual reality?" Tex wondered.

****

Tala lifted her eyebrows.

****

"Would you like to find out?" asked Tala.

****

Everyone agreed, more or less. Tex wasn’t sure what he’d gotten himself into.

****

It didn't take Tala long to run to her closet and grab five full sets of what Tex now knew was VR gear. It also didn't take long to put it on, as they each only received a clunky headset that covered the whole face, a controller for each hand, and some sticky pads that stuck to their shoes.

****

Cindy returned from Tala's printer with interest.

****

"I was expecting something full body." Tex noted.

****

"You can get all kinds of fancy gear so you can feel stuff with your hands or genitals, but that's expensive." Tala replied as she helped Cindy put on her headset.

****

There were only a few buttons on both of the controllers, one labeled 'yes', another labeled 'no', and a direction pad. There were no wires, although Tex still wouldn't call the design sleek.

****

Tex put his headset on and was confronted by a solid black screen.

****

"Will we have enough time?" Cindy asked.

****

"How much time do you have?" Tala replied.

****

"I have to be home in an hour and a half."

****

"I'll set a timer, then."

****

There was some shuffling on Tala's end, but Tex could no longer see her.

****

"Should we disperse ourselves, so that we don't injure each other?" Junji wondered.

****

"We can, but I'm just going to put us in a chat room." Tala explained.

****

There was another moment of shuffling on Tala's end.

****

The screen in front of Tex's eyes changed. After a moment of confusion, Tex realized he was looking at a pseudo mirror image of himself.

****

Specifically, it was a slightly lower resolution version of his own face, put on top of a generic male body. Text at the top of the screen asked Tex if he wanted to make any changes to his avatar.

****

Tex pressed the 'no' button on his controller.

****

Another screen prompt asked Tex if he wanted any filters. Before Tex could hit yes or no, the image of himself altered slightly, smoothing out the subtle imperfections of his face and giving him a giant cock.

****

"No." Tex scolded as he denied the filter.

****

"Tex, who are you talking to?" asked Tala.

****

Tex pursed his lips as he remembered everyone could hear him. After telling the interface he was good to go on his avatar, a loading bar dropped down to fill the whole screen.

****

The words 'Entering Tala.hell' flashed over the screen once the loading bar had filled. A second later, Tex's eyes were assaulted with a full 3-D rendered scene.

****

It was a pleasant scene, although minorly disorienting considering Tex had never used a VR headset before. He found himself by a fountain in the center of what seemed to be the rooftop of a traditional Germanic castle. The graphics didn't look quite real, but they'd been well stylized.

****

About thirty figures roamed the rooftop. Most of them looked somewhat human, although a good number of them were some degree of anthropomorphic.

****

Several of them had gargantuan breasts. This included some of the males.

****

"Hello!" Cindy said, popping into view.

****

Tex looked over to see that Cindy had given herself a pink dress and big anime eyes. It seemed the helmet was able to pick up on her expression, as she appeared to already be having the time of her life.

****

"Where are we?" Tex asked no one.

****

"We're in my VR chat room." Tala's voice answered.

****

Tex looked over in the direction of the voice to see an anthropomorphic male wolf with spiky hair. The wolf's stomach bulged, and the transparency of its belly told Tex that it was pregnant with a fully formed smaller version of itself, which was pregnant with a fully formed smaller version of itself, which was pregnant--

****

Tex put his hands over Cindy's eyes.

****

"How do I move?" Cindy wondered.

****

"Just walk in place." Tala replied.

****

Cindy took a step forward. Next to them, Genghis Khan popped into view.

****

"Thank god, I can finally look like the real me." Genghis Khan said in Barton's voice.

****

There was a slight echo to Barton's voice, as Tex heard it both in his headset and in real life.

****

"Where's Junji?" asked Tex.

****

"Give me a moment." Junji's voice replied. "I am--ah, here I am."

****

A plain blue square about three feet across materialized in front of Tex.

****

"You're a--square?" Tex stammered.

****

"It seems to be so." Junji answered.

****

Taking a few steps in place, Tex moved himself over and around to see that Junji turned into a smaller and smaller line until he completely ceased to be visible.

****

"You don't got a third dimension." Tex realized.

****

"No." Junji replied.

****

"Haha, no third dimension Junji." said Tala.

****

Junji responded by disappearing completely and then reappearing on the other side of Tala in the blink of an eye.

****

"That's where you're wrong." Junji scoffed. "I do have a third dimension; the fourth dimension."

****

"...What?" Tex asked.

****

"I can move across fourth dimensional space. Technically I am a three-dimensional being, but I lack depth."

****

"Junji, you don't get it." Tala sighed. "You're supposed to make yourself something slutty."

****

"Perhaps I would appear very promiscuous to other squares capable of existing across the first, second, and fourth dimension."

****

Tex let out a tiny gasp.

****

"Hey, don't talk about that stuff in front of Cindy." he pleaded.

****

Tala took a look over to her right.

****

"Uh," Tala replied, "I think we're probably the least degenerate people here."

****

Tex followed Tala's gaze to see she was looking at a man and a woman nearby.

****

The woman had perfectly smooth skin, breasts that neared on grotesquely large, a tiny waist, and a shirt that had the fuck word written all over it. The man was wearing a collar and a headband that seemed to be supporting a live action to-scale model of the twin towers crumbling to the 9/11 plane crashes.

****

To Tex's horror, they began to walk over once they noticed they were being stared at.

****

"Oh boy." Barton said as they neared in.

****

"Hello." the woman greeted as she tugged at the man's collar, her voice sultry. "I haven't seen most of you before."

****

"Hey, we got a kid." Tex replied as he shuffled Cindy behind him.

****

The woman looked over at Cindy and squinted.

****

"Oh, we'll leave then." the woman said as she turned.

****

Tex waited until the woman had dragged the man away with his collar before turning to Tala.

****

"Where did you take us?" he asked her. "We gotta get out of here."

****

"I think you're overreacting." Tala replied.

****

"Ain't there any kid-friendly places we could go?"

****

Tala clicked her tongue.

****

"We can go to one if you really want to." she answered. "But I think she'd be safer here."

****

"You're nuts." said Tex. "Let's go."

****

Tala sighed. After a moment of clacking that Tex could hear in real life, the screen in front of him changed to mostly black.

****

'Would you like to enter ILoveMinecraft124?' it asked.

****

Tex hit the 'yes' button on his controller.

****

'Are you thirteen years or younger or a legal guardian?'

****

'Ha.' Tex thought to himself as he lied and clicked yes.

****

He was spawned into a new room almost immediately.

****

The new room looked similar to the old one, except the location was a child's playground. Most of the occupants were children, and the only adults were a group of what appeared to be parents talking to each other by the swing set.

****

"Are you happy Tex?" Tala asked.

****

Tex looked over at Tala to see that she looked like a lower quality version of herself. Tex wasn't sure if she'd changed her appearance at will or if the new room hadn't allowed her to enter with her pregnant furry avatar.

****

"I--guess." he answered.

****

Junji and Barton loaded in next. Both of them seemed to have retained their original avatars, unlike Tala.

****

"Where's Cindy?" Junji wondered.

****

Barton scanned the room and pointed at the sandbox. Tex followed her finger to see that she was talking to a boy her age.

****

Tex began to make his way over and motioned for everyone else to come with him. Junji made the passive-aggressive decision to simply materialize over in no time at all.

****

"...wow, you're so cute." the boy said to Cindy.

****

Tex raised an eyebrow. Although he looked like a boy, the voice was a grown man's.

****

"Thanks!" Cindy replied. "I'm Mei from Totoro!"

****

"I think you look more like Mimi-chan from Succubus for Hire." the boy continued as Tex narrowed in on them. "Have you heard of it?"

****

"Nuh uh."

****

"It's about this detective who looks like a little girl but she's actually a hundred years old, and she goes around seducing--"

****

Tex lifted his leg and axe-kicked his foot through the boy's body. Unfortunately, his heel phased right through.

****

"Fine, I'll go!" the boy pouted. "But I'm reporting you for this."

****

The boy left with a huff. Tex squared his jaw.

****

"To be fair, he probably thought she was a forty-year old man in real life." said Tala.

****

Junji cleared his throat.

****

"Pedophilia aside." he stated. "Have we forgotten the original reason we came?"

****

"What reason?" asked Barton.

****

"The beauty filter. It's obvious to me that spending too much time around people able to look like whatever they want could harm Cindy."

****

"Why?" Cindy wondered.

****

It took Junji a moment to reply.

****

"Attraction to other humans is an important part of life, and it's obviously something that should be maximized." he finally answered. "But attraction is always relative."

****

"Junji, she ain't gonna be able to understand that." Tex said.

****

Cindy raised her hand.

****

"What does relative mean?" she asked.

****

"Relative refers to the comparison of two things." Junji replied. "Some people would call me young, but relative to you, I am old."

****

"What's a comparison?"

****

"That is when you examine two or more things side by side to evaluate their similarities and differences."

****

"What's an evaluate?"

****

Junji's discussion with Cindy went on for another twenty minutes, with Junji introducing more variables to the conversation than Tex thought any child could understand.

****

"So you think that the second prettiest person would be the most prettiest person if I'd never seen the first prettiest person?" Cindy asked.

****

"Yes." answered Junji.

****

"Okay, that makes sense."

****

Junji blipped himself up and down, like he was nodding.

****

"If the most attractive people we see," he continued, "such as those in movies and video games, were thirty percent less attractive, we would be just as attracted to them but would be more attracted to each other."

****

"What's your solution?" Tex wondered.

****

"The obvious solution would be to stop using augmented reality on ourselves. But because that's impossible in this case, I'll instead propose we dive full force into VR, and everyone on the planet will live their entire life in it. Everyone will be able to look how they want, so we'll all be equally inhumanly beautiful."

****

Cindy's mouth opened in disbelief. So did Tex's.

****

"Your evaluate is crazy." Cindy stated.

****

"How is my evaluate crazy?" Junji asked.

****

"People shouldn't be able to all be pretty. That's not fair."

****

"How terrible. Ugly people will be able to have sex too."

****

Junji's tone was overly sarcastic. Tex touched his eyebrows.

****

"Barton, Junji's being a commie." said Tex. "You go."

****

"Nah, Junji's right." Barton replied. "If you want to see normal people on TV, you have to watch Union Label."

****

"What is sex?" Cindy asked.

****

Tex’s eyes grew wide. Next to him, Junji floated menacingly.

****

"Junji, no." Tex said in a hoarse whisper.

****

"Mommy says that sex is when a man and a woman love each other, and then the man pees in her butt." Cindy continued.

****

The fact that Junji was a flat shape without a face did nothing to hide the deep agony that Cindy's words had caused him. In real life, Tex heard Junji's mouth open.

****

"Junji, please." Tex begged. "Let her be young."

****

"I was raised like an adult." Junji replied, and Tex heard his foot stomp against the floor. "This means everyone should be."

****

"What's the opposite of sex?" asked Cindy.

****

The responses to Cindy's question were immediate.

****

"Marriage." Barton replied. "Amirite, fellas?"

****

"Abstinence." Junji answered.

****

"Anything that ain't sex." Tex said with a snap of his fingers.

****

Junji touched his chin.

****

"That implies foreplay is the opposite of sex." he noted.

****

"Sometimes things don't really have opposites." Tala said to Cindy.

****

Cindy's face contorted with confusion.

****

"I fear we've gotten off track." Junji sighed. "Cindy, what do you think of my idea?"

****

Cindy shook her head from side to side.

****

"I don't want to live here." she answered. "I want to live in real life."

****

"Why would you not consider this real life?" asked Junji.

****

Junji's tone was thick with bewilderment. Tex heard himself exhale with amusement.

****

"It's alright." Tex explained. "Junji just reckons we should all sit in tanks and turn into goo while we control robots in some other place."

****

"You are describing a brain." Junji replied.

****

"Tex, do you really think it matters if the location of your consciousness is the same as the location of your physical self?" Tala asked with a roll of her eyes. "God, that's so ableist."

****

Tex rubbed his temples.

****

"Barton, I swear to god, if you don't go..." he trailed off.

****

Barton sighed for several long seconds before taking a stand.

****

"Fine." she replied.

****

Junji blipped to the side so that Barton could stand before the group. Barton complied, although she didn't look too happy about it.

****

"All we've done so far is focus on beauty." she started. "But we're all forgetting the other implications, that VR lets you see things that don't exist. You know what else lets you see things that don't exist?"

****

Barton reached her hand out with her palm facing up.

****

"I would like to bring everyone's attention to project MKUltra." Barton followed as a digital white folder began to float over her fingers, decorated with the words CLASSIFIED and DO NOT READ.

****

"Woah!" Tex yelped. "Where did you get those?"

****

"Deep web." Barton shrugged.

****

"Uh, Barton." said Tala.

****

"Why does the CIA use hallucinogenic drugs in its attempts to mind control people?"

****

No one replied. Barton began to pace, the documents still floating.

****

"The CIA knew that you can't do much to alter a man's ability to assess a situation rationally." Barton continued. "But they wondered if they could alter his ability to perceive the situation."

****

"What do you mean?" Tala asked.

****

"Imagine if you used hallucinations to trick a man's brain into seeing his wife as Ajit Pai. Then it would be perfectly rational for him to kill her on sight."

****

Tex snatched the folder from the air and began to flip through it.

****

"Unfortunately for the CIA, they never managed to control the hallucinations well enough to control the people." Barton said. "Forget about the beauty filter, imagine what they could have done with real VR. Indistinguishable from real life."

****

"...Which is why you think we shouldn't do it." Tala stated.

****

Barton snorted.

****

"Hell no." she answered, pounding her left fist against her palm. "That's exactly why we should go all in. Now when the North Koreans come and try to force us into mind control we'll have already infiltrated their government with our own mind controlled agents."

****

"Hey Barton." Tex replied as he closed the folder, shaken. "You ever considered that you might be psychotic?"

****

"Uh, guys? Where's Cindy?" asked Tala.

****

Tex looked over to where Cindy had been standing to see she was gone. After internally kicking himself, he saw that she'd been taken aside by another occupant of the room.

****

The occupant was also a little girl. Something was off about her appearance, but Tex couldn't tell what. She was wearing a similar outfit to Cindy, except her dress was yellow.

****

"...look just like Satsuki from Totoro!" Cindy said to the other girl.

****

"I am legally unable to confirm that my appearance intentionally bears any resemblance to a Studio Ghibli character, but thank you for noticing!" the girl replied in a metallic voice. "You look so cute!"

****

The air next to Cindy's head began to sparkle as she smiled.

****

"Thank you!" Cindy clapped. "We should be friends."

****

"Of course. What's your name? My name's Spotify, and you can find me on Facebook if you just tell me your name and--"

****

"My name's Cindy, I--"

****

"Boo!" Junji called, blipping forward to embed himself into the girl's head.

****

For a short moment, it seemed that Junji and the girl's head were occupying the same location. However, the game engine behind the VR room seemed unable to deal with two objects occupying the same first and second dimensional space, so the girl ended up getting scooted directly to the left of Junji.

****

Junji blipped back into her head, scooting her even further. He continued the process dozens of times until she'd been completely pushed to the other side of the chat room.

****

"I am back." Junji said proudly, returning in a blink.

****

"Nice." Tex replied.

****

Cindy was frowning. She opened her mouth, presumably to ask a question, but was cut off when the Mii Channel music started playing but every other note had been replaced with one from the 1921 Anthem of the Chinese Communist Party.

****

"...Huh?" Tex wondered, confused both by the nature of the music and the fact that he was able to immediately identify it.

****

"That's my timer." Tala explained.

****

"Aw, but it was so fast!" Cindy replied.

****

Tex frowned. He also felt that things had gone by too quickly.

****

"How do we get out of these?" asked Barton.

****

"Just take the helmets off." Tala answered as she popped out of view.

****

Cindy settled back next to Tex.

****

"Why did you make Spotify go away?" she wondered.

****

"She doesn't want to be friends with you." Tex replied. "She wants your money and she wants to know about where you go on the internet."

****

"Why?"

****

"She wants to sell your information to companies so they can show you ads for things they think you'll buy."

****

"Oh..."

****

Cindy sounded like she understood, although she didn't seem too happy about it.

****

"Why did you kick the other guy?" Cindy pushed.

****

"...I'll tell you when you're older."

****

Barton popped out of view, just like Tala had. Tex gave square Junji one last look before taking his head gear off.

****

The first thing Tex noticed was that he was facing the door. When he turned around, he saw that Cindy was standing in the entrance to the bathroom and Barton was in the closet.

****

"You guys are lucky no one hit a wall." Tala said, out of sight.

****

The second thing Tex noticed was the realism of the faces around him. He knew it had only been an hour at most, but he felt like he'd gone at least a day without seeing acne scars or any sign of facial asymmetry.

****

"God, you're ugly." Barton grumbled to Tex.

****

Tex returned to the living room to see that Junji and Tala were back on the couch. They were both next to their unequipped VR gear, and Tala was wearing Cindy's glasses again.

****

"What are you doing?" Tex asked her.

****

"I'm watching Avatar the Last Airbender." she answered.

****

Tex raised an eyebrow, but Tala didn't seem to notice.

****

"How?" Tex pushed.

****

"I downloaded it." Tala replied.

****

"How'd you get through the parental lock?"

****

"I just deleted Windows and installed Linux and pirated like fifty shows I watched as a kid."

****

Tex shared a glance with Junji. Junji gave a happy sort of shrug.

****

"I disabled location, data transfer, and enabled admin privileges." followed Tala. "There's no beauty filter anymore, and she can do whatever she wants on the internet now."

****

It felt strange to consider, but Tex found himself wondering if it would be better for Cindy if the internet thought she was an adult.

****

"I can do anything?" Cindy asked as the glasses were given back to her.

****

"I mean, be careful." Tala replied.

****

"Okay."

****

"If anybody on the internet asks for your information, just lie."

****

Cindy gasped.

****

"Cindy, where do you live?" Tex wondered.

****

"Um...South Seattle." she answered.

****

"You two should get going, then." said Tala. "That's the suburbs."

****

Tex nodded silently and went to grab his coat. Both Cindy and Junji followed him over to the door.

****

"So we are meeting at--my place on Tuesday?" Junji asked.

****

"Sounds good." Tex muttered. "Four?"

****

"Yes. I will tell the others."

****

Thankfully, Cindy didn't ask any more questions about the nature of Tex's job once Junji had left. She did, however, ask several questions about cars, cat food, and menopause, all of which Tex happily answered as he walked her to his car and drove her home.

****

"The house at the bottom of the hill is where I live." Cindy pointed. "Behind that red car."

****

Tex pulled over behind the red car to see a suburban house. It wasn't the nicest place in the world, but it was a hell of a lot better than where Tex was forced to live.

****

"This way!" Cindy said as she pulled him up the only walkway.

****

Tex knocked at the door once he’d arrived.

****

_"Just a second!"_ a voice called from behind the door.

****

Beatrice answered the door with a pair of sunglasses and a wet washcloth pressed against her forehead. Tex wasn't sure how she was already hungover.

****

"Hi, mom." Cindy greeted.

****

"Oh, hi Cindy." Beatrice replied before turning to Tex. "And, uh, you. Thanks for taking care of her."

****

"Sure." Tex replied.

****

"Hang on, let me..."

****

Beatrice reached into her purse and pulled out a fifty dollar bill. Tex felt a little guilty about taking the money, although he did nonetheless.

****

"Thanks." Tex said. "Think you'll ever need my help again?"

****

"Uh, probably not." answered Beatrice. "Me and my second husband ran into each other at the bar and decided to get back together, so it's not just me anymore."

****

"Oh. That's--good."

****

Cindy turned to Tex with a frown.

****

"So I won't see you again?" she asked.

****

"Guess not." Tex replied.

****

"Maybe when VR gets better, we can see each other in that."

****

"Yeah..."

****

"Gets better in comparison to real life!"

****

As new of an experience that VR had been for Tex, he had to admit that it wasn't really that impressive yet.

****

"Well, see you around." Tex said as he left.

****

"Yep, bye." Beatrice replied.

****

The door was all but closed in Tex's face.

****

Tex shoved his hands into his pockets. It felt unfair, but at the end of the day, Tex knew Cindy wasn't his child. So he brushed away his considerations of calling CPS and got back to his car.

****

The ride and walk home were long and quiet. Tex stopped by a convenience store to pick up some motor oil and a chocolate bar.

****

He ate the chocolate by a little public table near his apartment as he thought about his day.

****

Tex wasn't sure why, but he felt that it had been a long time since he'd really looked at human faces. He found himself staring at the people who walked by. Most of the ones he saw weren't particularly attractive to him, but their features and the sheer diversity of their appearances were fascinating.

****

A balled up napkin hit Tex in the side of the head. He looked over to see a woman who he'd just been staring at shoot him an angry look and walk away.

****

"Hey, buddy, you got a problem with me?" called another person who Tex had been looking at.

****

It was at that moment that Tex remembered at least part of why he hadn't gotten a good look at a stranger in so long. After briefly considering his options, Tex settled on pulling out his phone, putting in a pair of earbuds, and watching [Union Label](https://youtu.be/QO7VUklDlQw?t=22).

****


End file.
